Mens 5 vs Merton Boars

Good evening gents,

Congratulations on another very professional demolition party, this time of Merton Boars.

The rallying cry is “just keep winning” and this one was a particularly loud shout. Teams around us must be looking at our results and thinking “Do we really want to play these guys?” Merton drew 0-0 with us earlier in the season, so might have fancied their chances a bit. They would have been disabused of that notion in the time it took Alex and Lawrence to link up inside the first minute.

I really enjoyed watching this win as well. I don’t mind being a spectator when the fayre is this hearty. This was also in many senses a game of firsts: our first double hat trick of the season, of which more later; the first appearance by Mags; Pringle’s first short corner goal; and I’m sure there was something else which I can’t quite remember. Perhaps it’ll come back to me later.

I’ve got say, though, we’re getting pretty blimmin good at implementing our gameplan, aren’t we? I looked it up and we haven’t conceded first since the opening game of the season. And we’ve scored first in every game since we played this Merton team back at the beginning of October. We’ve learned how to start brightly, to get in front, and to then impose our will on the game. We have players who can score, players who can control the game, and players who can set the tempo.

And this was a classic example of gameplan execution. We were on top from the 49th second, forcing saves and piling on pressure in the D literally from push back. It took us a little while to get our noses in front, but it was only ever a matter of time before we started scoring. As I said in the pre-match message, their keeper is good, and it took us 15 minutes to suss out that the easiest way of getting the ball past him wasn’t by shooting from range or trying to hit it through him, but by driving into the D, finding the man at the far post, and passing it in. Once we figured it out, he had a day to forget. Not many teams will put that many goals past him.

We weren’t troubled defensively by Merton at all, so this report is really about giving credit to our midfielders for being aggressive and creative, and to our forwards for being hungry and relentless. Mind you, Merton’s defence wasn’t completely terrible; we just played a really high level of hockey inside their 23. We were rewarded with a haul of NINE goals, bringing our goal difference for the season to an absurd +47. That is absolutely awesome, and congratulations to everyone who has contributed to that. It’s like having an extra point, and it could yet be crucial at the end of the season when everything shakes out.

So well done all on what was a total team performance with some outstanding individual contributions.

Spike: had the same number of touches as I did jelly babies (two) - what else can I say? But just out of interest, when I shout “KEEPER” you’re going to need to get out of the way: you’ve seen how I clean players out and it absolutely doesn’t matter which team you’re on, believe you me.

Matt Bishop: playing as a virtual wing back given the lack of threat, Matt almost had too much space out wide. Played some wizard stuff with James and Tom up the right, and kept things moving from our 16s. Far too athletic for their halves to get in the game at all, and would’ve got full marks but for being a little bit tidier with the ball.

Rob Pringle: stand out performance I thought. Looked sharp and secure in defence, played some genuinely brilliant long balls up the middle and out wide, and got himself on the score sheet with a howitzer of a short corner. There’s nothing more intimidating than being run down by the unstoppable force that is Rob “the ginger rhino” Pringle, as the Merton frontline found to their cost. Also had the stand out moment of the game when he managed to hit himself in the testicles with the handle of his own stick.

Mark Symons: a virtual like-for-like deputisation for Dave Farmer (stop giggling at the back), Simple absolutely ran the show from deep midfield/CB. He picked up the ball short, found space, drew the oppo midfielders in with his dummies and trickery literally every time, and was the foundation for the way we dominated this game. So very much like Dave wasn’t away at all. Couple of man of the match shouts confirm that at this level Simple is a game changer.

Maj Azam: fairly routine game for Mr Azam. Can’t really remember much in the way of memorable moments. Had a couple of nice passes, defended well when the oppo made a rare break down our left, and although I was a pitch length away I think he may have been involved in some way in a team goal which culminated in someone getting a lucky stick on a precision pass to the far post. But I can’t be sure. Maybe he’s mentioned it to one of you?

Tom Boyd: rumour has it that the Swiss Army are considering renaming their well known implement the “Tom Boyd Knife” so well-regarded is his versatility now. If he’d had a stint in goal I think that would have given him the full set of positions played, his best spell coming at left half where he won the physical and creative battle, using guile and patience to out-think and out-play the Merton FB. Continues to make his mark especially in the second half when teams tire and he doesn’t. Lots of extra bonus points for a truly jaw-dropping item of post-match knitwear in the clubhouse.

Dave Duncan: what can you say about this man? He’s got the engine of a Lotus Elise, the movement and anticipation of a particularly cunning tree-climbing Jaguar, and the dress-sense of a Polytechnic sociology lecturer from 1976. It’s the same every week: Dave gets in space, Dave demands the ball, Dave goes through 360° of progressions to find the best, most efficient and most profitable pass that’s on. He does it securely and confidently, and I don’t think he’s lost possession more than a couple of times all season. These sorts of performances used to generate loads of MoM nominations, but now people know this is simply the baseline, so Dave’s going to have to up his game. Like not being overtaken in the ‘goals scored’ column by some other players who shall remain nameless.

Chris Clark: we always play brilliantly when Clarky’s in the line up, and this game was no different. Well, perhaps only in that he was even better than normal. Fomented a cracking working partnership with Dave in the middle, he was by turns workmanlike but also extremely creative. You can tell when the oppo have figured out our danger man because they start trying to foul him. Clarky was having none of it and ended up with a hatful of assists. MoM shouts rightly ensued.

James Sunderland: really great to have the young lad back in the side after his bout of plague, and before he goes off skiing like some kind of self-entitled stockbroker. What about the 5s??? I actually thought James had a really good game, especially after such a long time without hockey. Perhaps guilty of not pushing forward more when they were 8-0 down and playing one up front, but he did some fab work cutting inside from the right, and should have 100% had a goal, his clean strike missing the right hand post by barely the width of Pringle’s left testicle on a cold January day.

Lawrence Marsh: wisely skipped teas to avoid buying a double jug, Lawrence did everything that didn’t quite happen when we drew against this lot at their place. From literally his first touch and for the rest of the game, Lols was an absolute menace. Yes there may be question marks around twatting a p-flick with a massive back swing… before the whistle had gone. And yes there’ll always be moaning minnies who say “Hey Lawrence, you’ve scored six goals already, how about laying this one off to the bloke standing next to you who’s only scored one?” But you know, there are too many negative vibes in the world already. And for goodness sake, the guy scored SIX GOALS and he still didn’t get man of the match. But then some people do believe in karma.

Kris Heath: back to blistering form, it’s so good to see professional Lawrence Marsh impersonator Kris back in the side. And not only does he look exactly like Lawrence, he brings the same philosophy of direct, dangerous hockey which requires defenders to work hard all game. Kris’s cross-court passing is legendary, and his runs to the far post were almost pitch perfect, it’s kind of unbelievable he finished the game without a goal. Garnered nominations for his tenacity, accuracy and ability to massively stretch play. The 5s are crying out for a regular with those kinds of characteristics.

Brian Maginnis: a performance which was everything you’d expect. Mags has the ideas, the skills and the confidence to turn oppo defenders inside out, and his link up play with Clarky and Duncs in the middle was exciting to see in what was, I now realise, a quite unsettlingly erotic way. Also unlucky not to notch a goal, he must have created half of all 842 of our chances, providing a level-headed presence, and an extra level of quality in our midfield. Just the sort of the player you might need against, oh I dunno, Old Cranleighans on the 15th of March?

Alex Scott: don’t let the languid style and floppy mod haircut fool you: Scotty works hard, and that’s why he (and we) get rewards. I know I’ve said it before, but there is no one else in this league who can run at defenders on that 45° angle from out wide into the D, or who causes defenders so many different types of problems. But he puts the work in getting the ball back as well, winning duals and making tackles all the time. Scored a goal to save the blushes of our under-27 contingent, and possibly could have had a couple more (ahem - see above), Alex deservedly gets this week’s MoM for a classic all-round display of top notch hockey. I dig!

So well done all. Mission accomplished for another week. But although we may have made another step in the right direction, our promotion rivals are still just about sustaining results as well. The season is still in our hands, but it does require this kind of performance every week from here on out. Part of that is availability, and it’s been looking a bit patchy for a little while now. We won’t always be able to rely on players stepping in for us at short notice: we need to commit 100% to the next few Saturdays, and then you can have Summer off.

So please:

- try and get to training

- get your availability down for next week’s game against Surbiton AS SOON AS YOU’VE FINISHED READING THIS

- get your availability down for the next SEVEN games as soon as you can.

It’s not much to ask, just seven more games; seven more Saturdays of maximum effort; seven more weekend’s worth of brownie point re-building with the missus (plus any recriminations that may happen as a result of the end of season promotion party - terms & conditions apply). But it’ll be worth it, I promise. Besides, remember the expected target for this side is Promotion in Year One, as prescribed by our club captain. And I doubt you want to get on his wrong side, right?

See you all next week,

Spike