Mens 5 vs Old Kingstonian M2

It’s the Grand National. The horse you backed has had a bit of a sticky start, he’s been boxed in for the first few furlongs, he’s not clearing the fences consistently, and he’s lost ground on the favourites. A bit of a shame, but he’s looking game enough, and it would be nice to back a finisher; maybe even see him place if he runs solidly for the rest of the race. 

But as the race goes on you realise your horse really is staying. He’s a way behind the leaders but he’s definitely keeping pace. And then as they come round the final turn into the straight he’s still right there, a length or two behind but running stride for stride with just a couple of jumps to clear. And -hold on a minute- he’s jumped them absolutely perfectly, and the leaders are looking tired and making mistakes; and as they’re clashing and vying for position, your fella has come round the Elbow and he’s actually looking the strongest, despite having to make up all that ground. And then as they come up to the grandstand it’s literally neck and neck, until finally, right at the post, right at the very last second, surely not, he’s won it on the nod! What an incredible race and what an unbelievable finish. 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is what has just happened to Epsom Men’s 5s. 

And we’ll come back to that later when you’ve calmed down and recovered from that truly exhilarating bit of vividly descriptive equine literary excitement. 

But first: the match report. 

A lovely sunny day down in Esher, a really strong squad of 15 making the journey, and a chance to clinch promotion regardless of what happened elsewhere in the league. We had to win. 

Old Kingstonian provided the opposition, and they were something of an unknown quantity. We’d played them just before Christmas during Storm Darragh which had threatened to postpone the fixture. There have was played we’d struggled with the wind, the state of the Astro, and the various leaves and branches which had been blown down onto the pitch. We’d come away with a 3-0 win but little else. OK’s results all season had blown similarly hot and cold, and they were regarded as the division’s most unpredictable side. 

Knowing this, we warmed up well and started very brightly, but although we made plenty of chances you just knew it was going to be one of those games where we’d need to work hard to score goals. So it was a pleasant surprise when one of their defenders passed the ball back to their keeper, who then passed it to Ludders, who duly dispatched it. 

It was at this point that OKs knew they were definitely going to lose the game, as they didn’t have any forwards. So with their only chance of gaining a point via a 0-0 draw gone, they shut up shop and started doing what they’d done at Therfield in December: play with 11 men inside their own 23, try desperately to win the ball, and on the few occasions they did proceed to tonk it aimlessly 75 yards up the pitch. Unbelievably this tactic actually came off once when they broke down our right and forced a short corner. But that was the last time they ventured into our D, and we spent the rest of the match trying to beat their superhuman goalie and reach the magic tally of 100 goals for the season. 

We needed to score ten, and we absolutely could have, but frustratingly we fell four short. And that was illustrative of the slightly anti-climactic nature of the game. We’d spent our emotional pocket money against OCs and Merton; today was a chance to sit back and enjoy the cola bottles and panda pops in relative comfort. Reward for our prior hard work, but shorn of excitement or vitality. 

This was very much a case of getting the job done efficiently, filling the paperwork neatly in the briefcase, and closing those little combination lock thingies so no one could steal your briefs. 

Spike: had virtually nothing to do either side of a very smart save from their short corner when we were only 1-0 up. Spent the rest of the game randomly shouting and laughing at midfielders missing open goals etc. 

Tom N: extremely high quality performance from “Towering Tom” Nickels. More versatile than the oscillating multi-tool I’ve got in the shed, Nickels had another jack-of-all-trades performance in pretty much every area of the pitch. His knees may have the texture of a lemon meringue pie, but Tom has been the icing on the cake for us this season. And this was a typical performance: involved, thoughtful and calm on the ball, with a not inconsiderable amount of skill and dexterity when required. Tom keeps us balanced, he wins and protects the ball well, and he was even close to getting goal number 2 of the season. But there is a limit to how many ridiculously unlikely things can happen in one day, and that would have surely rung too many alarm bells _chez Karma_. 

Dave F: accomplished game from Foghorn Farmer, as he turned deep balls and 16s into attacks with ridiculous ease. In reality there was very little for our defence to do today - fetching the ball from behind the base line after OKs cleared from their own D; marking oppo forwards to deny any kind of attacking option; and getting involved in our own short corners. Dave had become a key part in all of those those in addition to mastery of his day job: tackling gangly forwards and intercepting underhit passes. I do have one question for you all though: does Dave get angrier a) when one of our forwards fluffs a gilt-edged chance or b) when he discovers the bar has closed at an end of season party? Poll to follow. 

Rob: possibly Pringle’s preeminent performance of the season, there were times when he looked comfortably the best player on the park. Yes, OKs stood off us like I’ve never seen a hockey team do before; yes, there were big gaps right through the middle of their formation; and yes, OKs were consistently second best. But quite a lot of that was down to Rob relentlessly penetrating them, like a bratwurst poking through mashed potato. His tackling was first rate, he looked pacey (really!), and everything he did was positive. Despite all this Rob only got this week’s MoM runner up. But all is not lost because he ran out winner of the coveted Ribena Berry Reddest Man of the Night at the end of season do, sensationally beating out Duncan Holmes, who looked exactly like a play-doh model of the planet Mars. 

Maj: strong showing from the North Cheam Nobbler. Got high up the pitch plenty of times extending play, putting pressure on the OK RB, and linking up nicely with Jack A in front of him, almost to the extent that we were playing 2332 for large spells of the game. With little in the way of danger, Maj was able to find plenty of space as we switched from side to side, and threaded a few really nice passes through to the forwards. Gets plus marks for having a decent game, keeping his laces tied, and only taking 25 minutes to pack up after the game (a new personal best); gets minus marks for missing the end of season party (as vice-captain!) because Dorking is “a bit far away”.

Dave D: the Dunker has set such a high standard this season it takes a special performance for us to go “Flip me, Dave D had a good game today,” but this was one of those occasions. He ran the show, simple as that. He may have all the pace of an asthmatic amputee tortoise, but it doesn’t matter when all he does is pivot, protect and lay off with hugely impressive levels of control and confidence. As I’ve said before, this lad just doesn’t give the ball away, which makes life comfortable for the defence and easy for the attackers. Unfortunately, and there is a BUT coming, there are limits to his talent. Having drawn a blank so far this season in the goals scored column, Dave’s teammates encouraged him on several occasions to get into the D and have a shot/ deflection/ short corner. Alas - and you know I don’t like to dwell on negatives - but, well, let’s just say we now know why Dunx had carved out such a good role as a defensive midfielder. 

Tom B: great to see the Boy Boyd back in action after a short lay off, and I actually thought he looked sharper than ever. Given acres of space at the top of the diamond (did anyone else think it felt like OKs were playing with eight players??) Tom saw plenty of the ball and created lots for the forwards to feed off. We know that Boydy has more flexibility than a ballet dancer’s britches, and he showed that again filling in all over the pitch. And with a small squad this kind of adaptability is absolutely crucial. TB is one of the quieter lads, but he certainly let his hockey do the talking in this game. 

Jack A: simply too much for the OK fullbacks, Jack had another all-round quality game. He’s so positive with his body language - he’s strong, direct and has a great change of pace. He looks for the ball wide, makes runs to the byline, and cuts in off the edge with purpose, very rarely losing control of the ball. Unlucky not to score again in this game, because he was in the right places at the right times, but he was still ridiculously involved in the chances we created all game. Jack is like a particularly neat pile of Ferrero Rocher in a division full of out of date Esso garage Guylian seashells, and that is a miniature chocolate hill I’m 100% prepared to die on. 

Alex: back in the side after a couple of weeks off, Scotty looked hungry and up for it. Suffered at first from being out wide when all the really big gaps in the OK side were down the middle, but faired much better when he swapped sides and played up the left, giving him the ability to cut in and back out. It took a while for a trademark Great Scott run at the defence moment to eventuate, but he produced three or four dazzling slaloms in the second half which immediately took three OKs out of the game, and caused untold mayhem in the D. We’re so much better with Alex in the team, it’s not even up for debate, and had OKs not had Hercules in goal we would have scored double figures, with Scotty very likely on the scoresheet. 

James: up there with his best showings of the season, James ‘Wonderland’ Sunderland just has so many strings to his bow. He’s quick, he finds space up the line, he is an excellent tackler, and he’s perhaps the most skilful player we have (poll to follow). With a bit of coaching you wonder where his ceiling might be, and he put his stamp on this game accordingly. OKs had about as much ambition as the eternally stoned tramp who lives in the park at the bottom of my road, but even so James found and carved out huge swathes of space inside their 23, and kept turning the screw until he dropped back into the defence. Top player, but his pitchside banter needs some serious work over the summer. 

Matthew Lai: pretty solid showing against a team determined to put 11 men behind the ball. It’s always hard to find space consistently with so many bodies in there, and I thought Matthew managed to get himself in good positions, especially out wide on the left where he enjoyed the majority of his touches, but was perhaps guilty of trying to force things, rather than concentrating in the basics and making sure touch and control were always spot on. Needs to be a little bit stronger in the tackle, a tad more determined in the challenge, and a smidge more creative with the ball, but he made life difficult for OKs, and helped get us over the line. 

Jack N: Long Jack Nienow’s strengths continue to be positioning, pressing and finding space. Add to that the ability and confidence to hit tomahawks in the D and you’ve got a pretty decent skill set. In this game, Jack needed to be half a second quicker and half a yard more accurate with his passing, and just a bit more aware of players closing him down - with his body shape and reach no one should ever be picking a ball off the human pipe cleaner - but in the end it didn’t matter. Loses marks for giving away possession 683 times, but gets them back for winning Drunkest Man at an Epsom Social…AGAIN!

Matt B: final reprise of the season for Breese Jnr who by his own admission put in “about 50% effort and no more”. On a warm day against a pretty flat opposition it is admittedly hard to burn too brightly, but Breesey bagged a twofer and tied the OK defence in knots on multiple occasions anyway. The lad has hockey skills, is getting back to fitness, and sucks in defenders creating all sorts of spaces elsewhere. And as ludicrously unlikely as it sounds, he actually let Dave D have a crack at a short corner routine - voluntarily! Breesey Snr must be ordering DNA tests and tearing up his last Will and Testament as we speak!

Lawrence: as typical a Lawrence “Moreton-in” Marsh performance as you can get. Full of running, full of ideas, cunning, battling and head-spinningly creative, Lawrence lived in the OKs D. Like a particularly ineffectual local council, as with most teams this season, OKs couldn’t do anything about him squatting there. Add in the customary couple of goals, and you have your identikit Lozza game. Marshy must be a strong contender for the division’s top scorer as he has scored more goals than six entire teams this season, but by my calculations he also has another scoring record this year: fewest inches per goal. I’ve worked it out and the 33 goals he’s scored only add up to 7.3 actual yards -in total- between them, for an average of 8 inches per goal. 

Matt L: Ludders seems to have an issue with socks. I could leave it at that, but I expect you want to hear about how he actually had a really good game. Yeah, well. Alright. Once we figure out a formation which really plays to his strengths, Ludders could be an absolutely colossal player for us. He’s pretty good as it is: he’s strong, he’s competitive, he loves winning the ball back, and he has the stick skills you’d expect from a cricket wonk. Desperately unlucky not to get five or six in this game (the OKs keeper made a worldie to stop a Ludders forehand volley which might have burst the net), Ludders still came away with a hat trick and this week’s *MoM* award. Also kudos for inviting his wife along to the end of season dinner knowing she’d be sat at a table with Farmer, Pringle and me. 

Props inserted here to Bish who missed the game though injury but nevertheless made his way via a series of rail replacement buses to come and support us, thus cementing himself as Earth’s best all-round human being by some distance. Annoying, isn’t it?

So to get back to our own personal Grand National, we’d beaten OKs 6-0, stretching our winning sequence to twelve games on the trot, and giving us the points we needed to be guaranteed promotion. It felt fantastic, and it felt like a huge relief, and it felt thoroughly deserved, and it felt completely justified. We were the best team in the league once we got going, and we pushed the leaders until they fell apart. We’d reeled them all in so the last few games became monumentally important. We dealt with the pressure best, because we had the best players to deal with it. 

But as we enjoyed our celebratory pitchside refreshments, news came in that top of the table Richmond had lost away to Merton, thus condemning both of them to another season in this division but guaranteeing us promotion in first place as champions! After some brief confusion as to whether Ludders was joking, being serious, or simply not knowing how to read, we realised it was genuinely true, and that this incredible season had finished with the most unlikely but most beautiful of all the permutations. CHAMPIONS!

Our very first season as a team, and at the very last moment in the last few minutes of the last game of the season we got our noses in front and won it on the nod. We were top of the table for less than an hour this whole season. But wasn’t it just the most important hour?

Watch this space - end of season report (the big one) to land soon!

Spike