Men's 4XI vs Cheam M2

Evening all, and what a pleasure it is to welcome you all back with a perfectly formed, bright, shiny W in the results column. Yes, the newly renamed 4s have kicked on seamlessly from last season, winning a 13th game in a row. But more importantly, our first win in our new guise, and our first win in our new division.

And on that note, being newcomers to division 5 - and the only promoted team - we obviously have little idea as to the calibre of the opposition each week. So we have to assume that every team we play could be potential championship contenders. And by approaching each game with that attitude, it means - I hope - that we’ll play up to our highest standard, every week. 

We certainly started brightly in this game. The first ten minutes were all us. We controlled possession, looked to play the more positive hockey, and had them on the back foot right from the whistle. To be perfectly honest Cheam never really recovered from the speed and directness we demonstrated during that opening period. We made the pressure count on 11 minutes when Gaz got on the end of a decent move. Cheam were particularly weak down their left side and we made good use of that. They did come back at us with a couple of dangerous breakaways, and I think if we’d conceded then, the game might’ve taken on a very different complexion. But we held out, and got back on the front foot for most of the rest of the first half, Dave L capping a great move with a worldie of a reverse stick, staking a claim for goal of the season already. 

Half time suited Cheam more than us. We were riding high and creating chances. The last 15 minutes of the first half was played almost exclusively in their territory. But when we came out for the second half it was a different story. Cheam exploded off the blocks like they’d had the mother of all bollockings at half time, and their version of Maj had forgotten to bring the jelly babies and they were really annoyed about it. They threw the kitchen sink, the dishwasher and I think an old ironing board at us. We bent but we didn’t break. They had short corners, chances, close run things, but they couldn’t get the ball in the back of the net. We regrouped, responded, hit them on the break, and floored them with a sucker punch, Loz providing the forehand smash after some good work up the left side, and we took control of the game for sizeable periods after that. Conditions deteriorated, Cheam struggled to get out of their 23, and we’d killed the game off with 15 to go, Matt A rounding off his debut with a smart finish. 

The Cheamsters seemed weirdly determined to score though, and finally found their feet in the last few minutes. We had already won the game and looked a little tired, and a series of unforced errors gave them the chance they needed, their young right half scoring with a scud missile into the top corner. A real shame not to have kept a clean sheet here, as we defended determinedly all game, and as we all know goal difference can be absolutely huge in these relatively small divisions. But we walked out 4-1 winners in our debut game, having done a professional job on a team who did have some ability. Their captain thought it was even, I thought we were the better, stronger and more clinical side. No doubt we’ll play stronger teams, but we know we have a couple more gears to move into as well as the season goes on and we get to know each other better. Altogether an extremely encouraging start. 

So after one game we’re second in the table, the conceded goal being the difference between us and a clearly very strong Teddington side. We spent most of last year trying to make up ground on the league leaders. Let’s see if this year we can defend our league position at the top, from the off. 

Player reports

Spike

Kept us in it in the first half with a couple of saves and a couple of clearances here and there, when conceding a goal might have been critical. Did a lot of shouting but I guess nearly all of it was just carried away by the wind. Less to do in the second half until ingeniously wasting time by calling for a clearance and then deftly dummying, allowing the ball to go into touch (I think this is right). Unable to do much about the goal, especially as that big fella who only ever used one hand flattened him like a silverback gorilla with the raging horn. Claims for whiplash are in post. 

Farmer 

Solid game from the solidest of hockey players. Playing in a variety of roles across the back three, Dave marked tight, got tackles in and plugged space like, er, a big plug. Passing was pretty good, short corner stops were pretty good, and discipline was pretty good in what I would say was a pretty good performance. Good to see the 70s wing collar jersey getting a valedictory run out, too. Slight hamstring twang led to some minutes management late on, but y’know you do have to look after your vintage Volvo estate. You can’t just expect it to run at full speed after six months gathering dust in your garage without a little pit stop here and there. 

Molly

Really strong debut performance from the ex-Cheam man mountain. Defensively solid, Matt gave us width, options and surefootedness throughout the game, demonstrating Ian McCaskill like calmness in the face of both low and high pressure conditions. Of course Matt’s greatest gift is his signature push pass up the line. Delivered with accuracy and style in one smooth movement, reminiscent of a Uzbeki peasant scything wheat across the Samarkand steppes, it worked literally every time, allowing us to break out from our 16s every time, allowing our forwards to get across their men and create space out wide on the right every time. Excited to see this formula repeated as the season goes on, and this lad might be one to watch. 

Maj 

SuperUmp made the most of his minutes in this game. Clear calling, finding space wide left for cross court passes, the usual very high standard controlling difficult passes (he might not score many runs at cricket, but he can certainly block a ball), and, crucially, plenty of involvement. It’s great to see players asking for the ball, wanting to get involved, and making themselves available - even if it’s Maj. He’s a sponge at training (I don’t mean soft, wet and sloppy, I mean he asks lots of questions and tries to get better) and you can see him trying to improve all the time. We should all be like that. And it goes without saying that hopefully he’ll be able attend the bit of training where they show you how not to pass to the oppo. 

Pringle

Relatively new gig at deep lying centre mid for the freshly buzzcutted Reigate rhino. Played his best hockey actually slightly further up the pitch, the new 3-2-3-2 giving him time and space to show off his more attacking instincts, and let’s face it, what defender fancies Pringle running at him at full tilt? Rob paid attention to his defensive duties too, giving us pace ((I know!) and competitiveness in the middle, in an area where we convincingly dominated Cheam. Injections were decent too, although I personally thought that it was a bit unnecessary and indiscreet of Ruth to bring this up in a conversation which was otherwise about hockey. 

Jasson 

Exactly the kind of self-assured, physical and level-headed performance you’d expect from a man who demands more ‘S’s in his name than your disappointingly normal Jasons. Jase gave us options across the back, tracked tirelessly, made life difficult for Cheam forwards when they broke, and passed the ball carefully and effectively as we looked to move our lines forwards. Once he got THAT first touch out the way he played pretty much flawless, mistake-free hockey for the rest of the game, impressive given that he’d just met us all for the first time about 40 minutes earlier. 

Duncs

Didn’t he look positively resplendent in his actual Epsom kit? Shirt. Shorts. Socks. He had it ALL. I haven’t seen a scouser with that much new sports kit since those looting riots kicked off in 2010, and JDSports got absolutely emptied. Anyway, new kit same old Dave. He wants the ball, nay, craves it, the way a beautiful flower needs the sun, a mushroom needs rotting leaf litter, and a Liverpudlian looter needs a new adidas tracky. It’s like a fixation. And when he gets that ball he does not let go of it, except to lay off pinpoint passes. We all know Dave runs the show in front of our back four. If he plays all 22 games we’ll be in pretty good shape at the end of the year, I tell you. It’s just a shame he’s already injured. Again. 

Nickels

Now that he’s retired from being the main exhibit in the entrance hall of the Natural History Museum, Tom “Dippy” Nickels can devote more time to robbing oppo midfielders who think they have the ball secured, spreading the play sensibly, and cutting out passes which he has no right to cut out. With a wingspan of three furlongs and half a pole, Tom is an incredible weapon to have in midfield. It’s as if Cheam were trying to play tennis with a net eight feet high: impossible and frustrating. But TN can do creative stuff too, linking up nicely around the D and keeping Cheam penned in when they did get a turnover. Great to see the long man back: we’re a better team when he plays. 

Matt A

Joining Tom in midfield was the other twin peak, Matt A, and, yes, at times the middle of the park did look a bit like those two chimneys at Ikea in Croydon. But I’m happy to report that Matt did not fall apart like a flimsy Scandinavian bookcase; he in fact had a splendid debut, fitting in nicely at a level which I think he’ll find comfortable. Deceptively quick with what appears to be some sort of bionically extendable stick reach, he looked threatening and composed throughout the game. Keeping pressure on the Cheam backs and making a nuisance of himself across the middle, Matt is clearly one of the upgrades from last year’s squad, and he rewarded us with a goal late on in the second half to kill the game. Am going to float the nickname Andy to distinguish him from the other 18 Matts we have in the squad. See if it sticks. 

Boydy

Top notch game from the Jumper king. I was really impressed with Tom’s effort and energy, and y’know it can’t be easy playing and training and putting in lots of hockey hours when you’re the full time singer in an Ultravox tribute act. But Boydy manages it, and for that I salute him. I’ve also got to say that he pulled out a stonking performance worthy of Midge Ure at Live Aid himself. Tom has absolutely nailed defending, applying pressure, being tenacious and doing the dirty work. His passing is improving, and his positioning is almost there too. A couple of MoM nominations prove that it wasn’t just me who thought he had a really good game. Next steps for Tom are in and around the D, to become a genuine threat on goal, and then surely he won’t be dancing with tears in his eyes, but it’ll instead be goodnight Vienna. 

David L

Cor, well that was a cracker of a debut wasn’t it? For a guy who turned up saying “um I haven’t really played much hockey” you could have fooled me (in the same way that I obviously fooled you all with that dummy!). With definite flashes of brother Rich, David covered pretty much every blade of Astro (if you know what I mean), being disruptive, direct and determined in dazzling bursts of energy. Showing not a little skill too, he weaved his way past players across the face of the D, and scored an absolute piledriver of a tomahawk halfway through the first half which took the wind, rain and sun out of the Cheam lads, deflating them like a cheap camping mattress. Dave Lee (I’m floating the nickname Travis) could yet be the signing of the summer - watch this space. 

Jack

Very impressive debut for Jack MoFo, delivering an understated, under the radar performance which actually made a huge difference for us. Yes, Molly’s long range arrows bypassed JMF and found Loz up front, but that only works if Jack takes the midfielders out the game. Cheam didn’t break down our right hand side at all, but that only happens because Jack’s done the running to cover their halves and backs down that side. I don’t remember the oppo switching the ball much at any time in the game, but that only happens because Jack’s put the work in to mark the bloke who’d be receiving it. And on top of that, it was great to see him being productive with the ball, gliding past players around the D, doing those lovely runs in from the right wing that Scotty used to do (before he betrayed us and went and played for the 3s), and showing a really decent range of stick skills. Multiple MoM nominations suggest that Jack had a corker, and looks like yet another (potential) quality addition to our squad. 

Gaz

Bright start for Gaz, and I’m not just talking about his new boots, which are indeed louder than Pavarotti’s most colourful pants. Always available and up for receiving the ball, Gary holds up play, draws fouls, and wins shorties really effectively. Of course it’s a bit of a shame he doesn’t score from those shorties, but y’know, you can’t have everything in life. And obviously it will come with time and practice. Gaz has been out of hockey for a while, but I thought he looked fresh, confident and up for it. Yet another addition to the squad who can only make us stronger and more dangerous, I did worry when that bloke squashed him, and Gaz folded in half like a slice of warm bread, but luckily he got up apparently undamaged. I mean, it’s not like the guy couldn’t have seen him when his shoes are brighter than the actual sun, is it?

Lawrence

A lad who has been trying to get as much hockey in as he can over the summer, Lols looked every bit the fluent, feisty player who dominated our league last year. Outpacing the Cheam defence like a cheetah at the annual sloth sports day, Loz danced round them like some kind of sassy salsa genius, receiving long passes, hitting the by line, and playing some seriously sexy triangles in the D. Strictly Come Marshing capped his performance off with the kind of forehand you associate with Bjorn Borg in his 70s hey day, or Geoff Boycott when his missus got in his way, slapping the ball past the keeper and flushing Cheam dreams down the Therfield khaki. But it was for his tireless all-round play that the team decided Lawrence should be the deserved recipient of the opening week’s Man of the Match. Congratulations, Lozza. 

So that’s one game down, twenty one to go. Yeah, it’s a long old season with plenty of minutes to get through. We’ve started fantastically - professional, clinical, with no obvious signs of weakness - but we will be tested harder than this, frequently. We need to maintain standards, train, learn, get better, get fitter, get faster and more decisive, and work on our instincts. It would be great if we didn’t just have to pass to maroon shirts, but also into spaces in front of them, to really give teams something to think about when we break. It would be great if we didn’t ever put ourselves under pressure by giving the ball away in our own 23. And it would be great if we scored even 25% of our short corners. I know we’re not going to be perfect every week, and we shouldn’t let perfect be the enemy of Very Good; but there are things to tidy up, and it would be a mistake to think we’ve got the measure of this division. However, we have an excellent foundation to build on, and three precious points on the board already. So in that respect, it wasn’t far away from being the perfect start, was it?

Notes for next week: please sign up to training. We train as a team on Thursday but if you can’t make it do sign up for the Tuesday sessions. The drills and the formation stuff will be the same, plus you’ll get the fitness bits too. 

Sign up for next weekend. It’s the big intraclub derby game next Saturday. Please feel free to get the flip up for it. 

Spike