Men's 4XI vs Barnes Accidentals

Hello all and welcome to a special celebratory edition of your regular match report Sunday missive. We’ve got one week to go until our social next Saturday; we’ve got a captain celebrating a half century not out, something he hasn’t done since a sunny Saturday at Headley Cricket Club three years ago; and we’ve seen a sparkling performance by the Men’s 4s, with a great result topping off some of the best hockey we’ve played this season.

So where does one start? I am writing this in a bit of a post-tequila haze, so excuse me if I wander off (or indeed drop off, although hopefully not as I’m in the bath) at any point during this report. Yesterday seems like ages ago - Farmer informs me that time does indeed start speeding up when you get to this age - and the game was so intense it’s hard to recall a lot of what happened.

What I do know is that we had a full, strong squad out, a decent warm up under our belts, and a really positive attitude right from the whistle. And it turned into a cracking game: we controlled possession and played the better hockey; Barnes broke well. We linked up beautifully, putting multiple passing moves together over and over again; Barnes retreated into their half. We looked purposeful and dangerous; Barnes defended deeper and deeper. Eventually we broke through and Jack slotted home powerfully. We doubled our lead a few minutes later after a period of fantastic work down the right. Boydy, James and Lozza did some awesome stuff up our right side, with Ludders and Jack pulling defenders all over the shop and opening up gaps. A third goal put us in control of the game, limiting Barnes to a small handful of breakaways. They scored a goal from nothing - another typically jammy finish - but we went in to half time looking very strong favourites.

It was an absolutely stunning first half. Bish, Maj and Jonno clogging up the flanks and passing the ball out quickly and accurately; Molly finding his range with some long 16s; Pringle took the game by the scruff of the neck in midfield, and some of Nico’s passing bordered on the messianic; it was great to see James angling in from the wing again - how we missed those runs - while Boydy and the wide guys made life really difficult for the oppo full backs; and the work rate up top from the front three was simply awesome. We played such good possession hockey, switching, playing safe, knifing dissecting throughballs, passing with certainty and confidence, moving cleverly and directly, and making the ball stick all over the pitch; we looked like a team capable of playing a couple of divisions higher.

Barnes were no mugs, but they didn’t have the quality to match us player for player. The number of times they had a 16 with no options; the number of times they had a free hit in our 23 with no options; the number of times they had the ball in touch with no options; we defended fantastically, closing them down, sticking to our designated men, and getting to the ball quickly in numbers. There was no way through.

And on the break we had them 3 on 3, sometimes even 4 on 3, multiple times. Had we been just a bit more clinical the game would have been over at half time. As it was we still had work to do. But with extra numbers we were able to see the game out and win the second half too. There was a spell of five or ten minutes where we did start to tire, but they didn’t get through, and very impressively we were able to regroup, get back on top, and dominate the last ten minutes without ever looking in danger. Even our short corners looked a shade better than usual. I know!!

This performance - and result - had been coming. We’ve been competing for weeks but running out of steam in the last few minutes. We’ve been caught on the break too many times, giving us too much of a mountain to climb with too little time left on the clock. We’ve lacked killer instinct up front and paid for missing too many (and not creating enough) chances. This week was different. We got ahead early, we stayed on top, and we took just enough chances to keep Barnes at arms length. Games are going to be tight in this league, there won’t be many 10-0 demolitions. So this is how you win games: work hard, work hard for one another, put yourself in good positions, and make the most of the chances you create. I thought we did all of that very effectively in this game, and the result reflected the way the match went perfectly.

Spike

A retreat back into the D is beginning to pay dividends for the man who has just turned 49 and 364/365ths.His generally better positioning and some timely kicking helped restrict Barnes to a handful of genuine chances, and he verbally marshalled the rearguard competently (for some reason that sentence sounds a bit rude). Alas, the search for that elusive clean sheet continues…

Maj

Turning in big boy performances is becoming Maj’s calling card this season. Where younger wingers caused him problems last season, the new (slightly) streamlined Maj is better able to keep up, the timing of his jamming is becoming almost pinpoint, he can receive a ball as well as pretty much anyone in the club, and his positioning is really getting there. You could tell we were going to win this match when even Maj’s brainfart passes found a way through to a maroon shirt! It’s reassuring to know that both sides of the pitch are as secure defensively and as creative offensively as each other, and Azamski has worked hard to make that the case this season. He even got an MoM nomination!!?

Bish

Possibly the best game he’s had for us, Bish was a cross between a Panzer, a greyhound and a keyhole surgeon, such was the combination of bulldozing power, pace and precision. It was like he was participating in some weird decathlon which included sprinting, jogging, wrestling, barging, man-marking and cutting out very delicate doilies for his nan. No one covered more ground than this lad, so determined was he to get back goal side when the ball turned over; no one competed harder and more determinedly when the ball broke for the oppo; and no one from the other team could get near him when he started tearing up the line. Who could blame the ladies players for turning up to their game so suspiciously early?

Molly

Molly would be one of those tricky decisions for an England football manager to make when he’s thinking about who to take in his squad for an imminent World Cup. He’s sort of Talismanic, but could easily end up causing trouble on the plane before the team even landed. He is capable of world class passes which carve opponents in half, but will occasionally give one away to an oppo centre forward on a proverbial silver platter. He can rally the troops and call a great game, but could just as easily see red in the crucial qualifier v Luxembourg. And in this game, a pretty nice looking copy book was only blotted by one suicidal pass and one pretty suicidal comment (I wouldn’t shout at Ruth!) but lessons have been learned. Next week we’ll hopefully get the mercurial version of Gazza, not the one wearing fake tits and delivering a whole rotisserie chicken to a criminal on the run.

Jonno

This Southern Hemisphere Superman is no slouch. Did any of you count how many times he got a stick in a tackled the oppo wingers as they broke into our 23? Did any of you measure how tight he got to his man all game? How fearless he was in the challenge? How calm he was in possession? How unruffled he was all game long? No, exactly. Because he does his thing without fuss, and flies under the radar; but those of us who recognise the cape and the underpants worn on the outside of the tights know a superhero when we see one.

Pringle

So good to have the man they call The Devonian Disrupter back from his trip to the south west and back in the starting line up. Rob gobbled up stray balls in the middle of the park like a giant maroon PacMan, providing a screen less porous than a reassuringly expensive pair of waterproof trousers, and honing in on Barnes attackers like a heat seeking missile with adorably rosy cheeks. The 3-2-3-2 really plays to Pringo’s strengths, allowing him time and space to disrupt, turnover and release, like a stranger suddenly appearing in your bed, rolling over and breaking wind.

Nico

Not sure I have the superlatives in my vocabulary to do any justice to this lad’s game. He plays with energy and intelligence; he moves around gracefully and purposefully; his centre of gravity is lower than a Toyota Supra which can no longer get over a speed bump; his first touch strokes the ball like a Bond villain petting a particularly fluffy cat; and some of his passes made everyone watching feel unembarrassingly aroused. As a fulcrum for our defence and as a catalyst for our attack, I’m not sure the lad could have had a much better game. It’s like discovering Dave Duncan has a long lost younger, prettier brother.

Dave L

This guy learns his lines and gives exactly the performance you want from him week in and week out, and has the critics purring at their typewriters. A veritable loom bobbin shuttling from side to side, Dave is like a human table football figure. Not much gets past him, you can spin him round and round and he doesn’t get dizzy, and he has a haircut that looks like it’s made of plastic. When we needed extra energy, Duracell Dave Lee stepped up. When we needed support outside or an outlet inside, there he was. The boy is as reliable as an incredibly sensible Lexus with 300,000 miles on the clock.

Boydy

The new and improved Boydmaster 3000 (limited 25/26 edition with moustache and jumper attachments) just gets better each week. It hoovers up loose balls, competes with gusto for anything that looks like a 50-50, runs around like a gazelle who’s just swallowed six bags of Haribo, but best of all it calls. It’s not a beautiful call like a Nightjar or a Pied Wagtail, but it’s loud and commanding, and it’s really helping us out. Boydy’s had a few close calls for MoM in the last few weeks. You can’t help but feel that a goal would push him over the top, it’s all that’s missing from his game.

James

How lovely to welcome back this lovable character. Where Sunderland treads chaos follows. No one knows what he’s going to do or say next, least of all him, but how much have we missed those angled runs in from the right flank? Sometimes the ball’s under control, sometimes it isn’t, sometimes it’s hard to tell, but whichever of those is true it’s almost impossible to defend against. Battling an unspecified illness which he vociferously claimed not to be a hangover, we had to manage James’s minutes, but he had a couple of top drawer moments which reminded us why his elevation to the 3s is a) justified, but b) gutting.

Kwesi

An eye catching demo from our resident Octonaut (CBeebies aficionados - is this right?), Kwesi’s strength in this game was shutting and locking the door. At a time when Barnes upped their game and looked a little bit more threatening, the Kwezster did some insane things with his stick to get in the way and pick pocket the oppo midfielders. Finding space and corralling the ball with imperious mastery, Kwesi gave us options where and when we needed them. My only request would be a few firmer and more accurate passes after stealing the ball, and getting goal side more quickly when things break down. There’s definitely a player in there, according to Captain Barnacles.

Mandy

An inscrutable addition to the 4s this season. Is he gay or is he straight? Is he Irish or is he Canadian? Is he a midfielder or a forward? Is he a genuinely lovely bloke or is he a No Win No Fee lawyer? And just how do you pronounce his surname? So many questions that I don’t know the answers to, but I do know he’s a goal threat, a terroriser of centre halves, and a guy who supports the players around him consistently and unselfishly. Needs to work on undoing bra straps, but maybe we can work on that in training (willing volunteers depending).

Ludders

It all clicked for Ludders today. He got himself involved, he got himself amongst it, and he got himself a brace of smart finishes. Some people say to me “Spike, would you say Ludders was an intelligent player?” To which I would reply “Well, that depends. If I was putting together a team for University Challenge, booking a particularly taxing escape room, or finding someone to entrust my house keys to when going out for the day, the answer would be “absolutely not, what drugs are you taking?” But if we were in a situation where we needed someone to make creative leads, to take on men on the edge of the D, and pop up on the end of awesome moves down the right, then I would say “Yeah, he’s a proper asset” and then confirm that I said ‘asset’ and not ‘asshat’”.

Lozza

The prize-winning project manager with the peerless _paso doble_ pulled out another prodigious performance of patience, piquancy and power. Generally making life miserable for the Barnes LB, the undisputed King of Assists was at it again, providing space and control up by the byline, beating men in foot races, and delivering balls into the middle with the precision of a cut throat barber. Unlucky not to notch himself, Lozza had become a complete player, a great team mate, and the key to unlocking Div 5 defences.

Jack

Within the first ten minutes you knew this lad was on for MoM, and there were moments when I thought he might have player of the season wrapped up too. He was just to good for Barnes, whether it was short corners, passes in from the left, skills which made your head wobble and your loins stir, or total domination in the D, they simply didn’t have an answer to A-star Allen. Jack is turning into our best player: with a serious run of games to keep his consistency and confidence up, frequent appearances on the score sheet, and a outwardly obvious desire to win games, he’s a bloke you just don’t want to sub, and despite some genuinely serious competition, Jack gets this week’s *MoM* award. Congratulations!

So all of that was kind of a long way round of saying, blimey we kicked ass in this game, played some glorious hockey, and did exactly what we set out to do. Well done everyone, that was a hell of a birthday present, especially since my missus passed out on the sofa at 11.30 last night while I was still working my way through cake.

Let’s keep it going. Please come to training - numbers have been sliding and it is literally the only way we can continue to improve. Also please get your availability down asap for next Saturday because there is a bit of a player shortage across the club next week and I want to get you all signed up and involved with us as soon as I can. It’s a ridiculously early start at OSL, but that means you’ll have plenty of time to go home, line your stomachs, get your John Travolta outfits out the loft (note to Farmer, maybe try yours on first - a trip to the tailors may be in order), and get back to the clubhouse in time for our social. Hopefully we’ll be celebrating another victory.

Spike