Men's 4XI vs Old Cranleighan Warriors

Hello everyone,

A weirdly difficult report to write, this one, because people will look at the score and think “ah well, played top of the league and got kinda turned over”, when that really wasn’t the case at all. I will concede that OCs were perhaps 5% better than us all round, definitely 100% younger, but crucially a decent percentage better than us at finishing. Both sides had chances, the oppo probably a few more than us (and you can see why they top the goals scored and points column), but we were well in this game until the last 10-15 minutes. 

Because this was a really hearty display by the 4s. Gutsy, confident, and at times absolutely equal to the task in hand. When we got back to 1-1 immediately after half time I thought we might be in for a very interesting second half. And there were a couple of moves which OCs just couldn’t deal with, as we put pressure on them all over the pitch, especially on breakaways. Alas the last pass eluded us probably just a few too many times, although we looked positive and energetic pretty much all game. 

Five goals doesn’t really do justice to the hard work the defence and screen put in, either. Hockey is a fast-paced game and to limit a talented opposition to a handful of melées and a couple of straight shots was impressive. However we did give away too many corners, and although we dealt with all but one of them, that does indicate how much pressure we had to withstand. 

My only other niggle is that we do need to stay alert just a little bit more. Against teams who have quick, mobile runners who move off the ball and overlap, we need to make sure that everyone is covered all the time. We did it for such excellent periods it was a shame to lose touch with a couple of players just enough times to let them get on top. 

Not going to complain though. That’s about as well we can play, everyone put in a thoroughly decent shift with nice touches and plenty of determination. Sometimes you just come up against a team that is a fraction of a class above. We did well to hang with them, threaten them, counterattack against them, and score two really well-worked goals. But as Pringle’s missus justifiably says every Thursday night as she turns out the light, it just wasn’t quite enough. Again. 

Jonno

I can’t ask much more of a defender than the performance I got from JW today. He was everywhere, mopping up, offering a route out of trouble, closing players down by the byline; I can’t really remember him putting a foot wrong. And once Bish got put on the naughty step during a series of OC shorties, such is Jonno’s commitment and determination to the team he gave up no fewer than eleven body parts closing down drag flick after drag flick. Eventually one got through but that’s only because there was a hole where Jonno’s ankle should have been. Mighty stuff. 

Maj

Another barnstorming performance from His Maj. Up against the winger who roasted him like a Peking Crispy Duck back in October, Maj emerged the winner in this round. Stout in the tackle, impressively self-assured when receiving Pringle turbopasses even to his reverse stick, and who can forget the swallow dive to pick an aerial just outside our D? If I didn’t know Nijinsky was dead I might have thought he’d put on an Epsom shirt and a couple of pounds and was flying through the air trapping hockey balls (and for the record, I’m talking about the Russian ballet dancer here, not the race horse. I think). The one thing Maj needs to work on though is his turning circle, because it’s currently the same as the Ark Royal’s. 

Molly

Assured performance from a man who is so calm under pressure the last time he went to get his bpm checked the nurse thought he was a polar bear. Some outstanding work protecting the ball deep in our own corners, some decent marking, and a more sensible safe-pass to exhibition-hockey ratio when taking 16s, meant that Molly finally came out of the game with a decent rating on Spike’s patented hockeybrain-o-meter. Don’t tell anyone but I think he might just have started to call a sensible game without alienating everyone around him! I know!

Pringle

This lad just keeps getting better and better. Single-handedly getting us out of situations stickier than the pain-au-chocolat he had as a warm up snack, Pringle was a one-man wrecking-ball sweeping at the back. He’s surprisingly quick and nimble for a guy only two generations removed from tree dwelling orangutans, and by goodness did he cover some ground today. Strong in the tackle, swift in the steal, (nearly) unerringly accurate in the long pass, and brimming with confidence throughout his game, Rob “the Ramjet” Pringle can consider himself desperately unlucky not to get MoM today. 

Farmer

A tale as old as time, if not as old as Dave Farmer himself: a promising game with plenty of action and disruption fell foul of a hamstring that appears to have the consistency of a three week old blancmange. A bucket of deep heat, some extra tight compression shorts, and a deep tissue massage from that Thai place in Motspur Park where everyone comes out limping but smiling - that’s the rehabilitation you need, Dave (my medical qualifications are available on request).

Charlie 

The mid-season acquisition of Chockablock Charlie Cullen has given us a fantastic multitool option in our midfield zone. He’s robust in the challenge; he sets his feet right and uses his body strength and stick angles to get in the way of oppo runners; his close control and sleight of hand reminds me of Les Nottle (the magician who performed at my sixth birthday) except without the bottle of Brown Ale behind the Punch and Judy stand; but above all (and also curiously reminiscent of Les Nottle) Charlie can dribble. He gave us time and space out wide, and has built an incredible connection with the players around him already; but the way he slides past players is awesome. Maybe a gap year in Epsom playing for the 4s might be in order..?

Bish

An industrious showing from the man they said was too handsome to go on Love Island, preferring to live a quiet life in Bracknell. When I talked about grit earlier in the report I was talking mainly about this chap. No one works harder, and his combination of speed and good old-fashioned upper body strength makes him extremely difficult to get past. While his passing has always been the equivalent of that GCSE you were good enough to pass but not necessarily to take on at A-level, his tackling and recovery abilities are unquestionable. He plays the screen very well, but come on lads he can’t mark all four runners on his own!

Scotty

A happy return for our erstwhile winger. Every team needs a George Best type character, doesn’t it? Someone supremely gifted who ultimately compromises their talent through a combination of birds, booze and a seventies bowl cut, but who on their day is capable of turning a game around just by virtue of their innate talent. We saw flashes today of the old Scotty: taking the ball deepish and just challenging defenders to take it off him as he slithers past them like Severus Snape on roller blades. We looked most threatening out wide on the right, and although we probably played too many long balls to really maximise our Week of Scott, when we did play through him we looked more like the 60s George Best than the 80s George Best.

Jack A

It is now customary for post-match discussions to mainly concentrate on why we shouldn’t give MoM to Jack Allen, more formally known as Sir Jacket Aluminium. He’s such a good player. You can’t get the ball off him, his close quarter play and reflexes are mind-bogglingly good, and his goal scoring record speaks for itself. Jack’s a quiet lad, presumably self-confident enough in his own ability and good looks to not need to bang on and on like the ugly bar-stewards were have in the back line, but what he brings to the team is irreplaceable: calmness, positioning and far-post snipery. Jack only lost this week’s MoM in a tie-break situation, but he’s looking a good bet for player of the season, unless he scores 86 own goals in the next six games. 

Morgs

Nice, tidy game from a man so unique liking that they say may have up to 15% Blakiston’s Fish Owl DNA. Jack is a gifted player - his strengths are stick manoeuvrability and ball trapping, and when he’s in possession good things happen. He linked up nicely with the midfield and forward lines, and played with patience and confidence. He was rewarded with a fine goal giving us a lifeline with ten or so minutes left. Jack’s non-strengths are sprinting to get into position more than twice a hand, and sticking tight to his man. Once he nails those two areas (requires gym + tapping into owl ancestry) he’s going to be a proper force to be reckoned with, because the skills are absolutely already there. 

Daveyboy

With more industry than a Nineteenth Century Yorkshire pit town, Davey has carved out a role of his own in this team. Far from just being a Rich Lee substitute, Dave is becoming one of our strongest ball carriers and most creative support players. Watching him wheel his way around the D using dummies, stick control, and body balance, he was a menace to the young OCs defensive midfield, and not in the Dave Farmer way. Creative and disruptive, DL is exactly what we needed at the top of the midfield, although after an hour of doing all of that he did look a bit knackered. 

Ludders

Another strong support-role performance for the man they call the human Chinook: does lots of the heavy lifting, plays a hugely valuable behind-the-frontline job, and looks like he was made by a design committee who couldn’t quite decide what it was they were supposed to be building. Ludders was critical to our breakaways too - there were a couple where he just missed a crucial touch which could have changed the complexion of the game, but it was his link up play which kept OCs on the back foot for significant spells, especially in the first half, and he certainly made their back three earn their egg rolls today. 

Loz

Poor Lawrence isn’t going to be able to move much in his polyester shirt and draylon trousers when he goes into the office on Monday, and let’s just hope his missus hasn’t chosen that cream chiffon bath robe for this evening’s post-match rub down. And for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, Loz got absolutely mashed in the first half by some big OC oaf, and he now looks like he’s been dragged along a three-mile gravel driveway by a team of particularly vicious Clydesdale horses. I’ve never seen as many grazes on one person from one fall in my life. He looked like a pepperoni pizza. But if you think losing a quarter of his skin was going to slow Lozza down then you obviously don’t know Lozza. He was his usual gazelle-like self, running to chase down through-balls, running to chase down defenders, and running to get into position. His twisty-turny possession thing is pretty good too - one of many players who really made sure OCs knew they had played a game today. 

Spike

An unusually effective first half from Epsom’s keeper, showing off reflexes that club members who have watched him play for the last ten years may have been previously unaware of. Four or five very smart stops brought us in only 0-1 down at half time, and OCs changed their plan accordingly. Going down the “get a short corner” route ultimately paid dividends, but some decent kicking limited OCs chances inside the D, and taking out that big lump in the blue t-shirt was extremely satisfying, despite the irreparable vertebral damage it appears to have done. Anyway, Spike just about got more MoM votes than anyone else, so he is this week’s recipient. Well done!

Can I just finish by saying that we are playing at a very high level at the moment, and as a team with no real youngsters, an average age nearer to death than birth, and a list of injuries longer than Tom Nickels’ pyjama trousers, I think we’re doing very well to be in equilibrium: played 16, won 8, lost 8. We are still scoring goals, maybe shipping a few more than we’d like, but by goodness are teams having to work for it. Keep up the good work lads. The scores may not be exactly as we’d like them, but we’re doing the club proud in our first season in Div 5. 

Spike