Men's 4XI vs London Wayfarers Barbarians

Hello everyone, it’s match report time. And this week I am happy to say I am the bearer of _slightly_ fairer tidings. 

So for those of you who don’t know, this was a Friday night match up. We were good enough to host what was actually an away tie v Wayfarers, since their venue was unavailable (not that they said thanks or anything, the ungrateful gits). Games are always more exciting under the floodlights (Orient v Aldershot in the Sherpa Van Trophy Preliminary round - Southern Section - Group 3, late November 1987 excepted) although it was a pretty grim night weather-wise. I’d already managed to soak my socks in one of the Somme-like car park puddles, so it was just a question of time before my underpants went the same way. 

Obviously before that happened the most important thing in this game, following on from last week’s start-of-match debacle, was to keep things tidy and secure in the first ten minutes. To give ourselves a platform, to give us some confidence, and to make sure we weren’t having to chase the game again. So obviously we gave away a completely unnecessary short corner after eight minutes following some comically inept play, and found ourselves 0-1 down, courtesy of a typically spawny deflection. Brilliant. 

However, we learnt our lesson from last week and tightened things up straight away. But these slow starts are beginning to become concerning. We’ve fallen behind in so many games this year it’s been hard to put our normal gameplan into practice. Instead, we’ve had to go on the offensive against teams who have shut up shop, and my god do we make it hard for ourselves. I mean, we played some lovely hockey. Scotty, Charlie and Jack providing the class, Boydy, Earl and Duncs providing the hustle. We forced a series of short corners as Wayfarers gradually succumbed to our pressure. By the end of the first half they were hanging on for dear life, our high tempo and relentless hassling boxing them in and forcing turnover after turnover. But still we couldn’t score. 

Wayfarers came out of half time determined not to clam up. They knew they needed at least another goal, and credit to them for making a game of it. But their breakaways weren’t getting through at all as Bish, Maj and Pringle kept things tighter than Farmer’s compression shorts, closely guarding Wayfarer forwards, and intercepting pretty much everything which came their way. Instead we pushed back and got on top again. It was a good game, played in a friendly spirit (mainly), featuring a high standard of hockey. We forced even more corners, but these only made extra dents in the keeper’s pads - we wouldn’t have found the bottom corners of the goal if it had been half a mile wide, and we don’t have any routines to try anything other than just nuking it down the middle (or occasionally wide). So it wasn’t clear how we were going to score. 

The good news was that we didn’t panic. We carried on trying to play round them, we carried on being direct, and crucially we carried on winning the ball back. This was impressive. Every 16 they had, every time we turned the ball over (which we did much less this week) and every sideline ball they played, we were straight in there, and the amount of times we won it back quickly was astonishing. Eventually something had to give, and since Molly and Farmer were on the sidelines we were fairly confident it wasn’t going to be a hamstring. Instead Earl came up with the goods, finally beating their keeper with a nice strike six minutes before the final whistle. We looked for the winner but didn’t quite have enough time. Even so it felt like a point gained rather than two points lost, but without yet another sloppy start, this could have - perhaps should have - been a win. 

Spike

Had a hand in the Wayfarers goal, thanks to an underhit clearance. Was pretty solid the rest of the game, only needing to block a couple of breakaways, plus cleaning out their big fella when he ran through on goal. I am of the opinion that he fell over me and hit the ball off for a 16. The umpires agreed, so it doesn’t need any more discussion, thank you. I also feel like having somebody shouting “here comes the mistake” every time Wayfarers got the ball DID eventually get inside their heads, and that’s why they kept mishitting the ball into touch, giving it away, or treading on it. I was once told by an opponent back in my football days that I was the most annoying player he’d ever played against. I continue to wear that as a personal badge of honour. 

Maj

Addressed the out of position nightmare he had last week and had himself a game tidier than my obsessive compulsive uncle’s front garden. Once again he received the ball with real confidence, strong side out reverse, called well in support of the backs and midfielders, and was generally sensible in his distribution. Aside from the usual couple of inexplicable passes, the lad hardly put a foot wrong. The next step is to work on his attacking/overlapping game to give us extra numbers when we’re pressing for a goal, but I appreciate expecting him to learn that at the age of 50 may be as optimistic as getting him to stop nattering and get his trousers off more than two minutes before the pb. 

Pringle 

Aside from the silly buggers straight out the gate, this was a performance with a decidedly un-wedding-y “clean sheet” written all over it. Marking a couple of handy lads who you’d be more likely to find manning the doors of a townie nightclub didn’t phase Pringle at all, even though he’s more used to salubrious nitespots, high rolling casinos, and tasteful gentleman’s clubs (right?). On short corners, like a seasoned traveler about to embark on an overland trip to the upper Zambezi, he nailed all his injections - it’s just a pity he can’t inject it to himself and give us another option to tonk the ball, since the one he hit at my bollocks in the warm up was properly shifting. 

Bish

Decent game from the 4s resident pin up, providing something for our adoring lady fans to watch. Indeed who wouldn’t want to watch a marauding Bishop, charging up the wing, glistening in the rain, making good hockey things happen? Bish was much more solid this week, getting his stick firmly behind the ball, passing crisply and accurately, and outpacing anyone Wayfarers tried up front. Linked up superbly with Scotty for a bit of a nostalgia-fest, he gave us great options out wide, and kept the tempo up all game, scoring a maximum 10 on the swoon-o-meter. 

Jonno

Battling against a decent oppo, shite weather and two unfriendly tonsils, Jonno was a proper warrior out there. Playing all across the back three, his versatility became as important as his big packet of penicillin. Jonno plays without fear, but has a sensible streak in him too; and that was helpful for us in the situations we found ourselves in - he brought the ball out from the back safely, didn’t go for the big Mollywood pass, and kept things moving all game. Had to manage his minutes a bit thanks to the lurgy, but made a contribution bigger than he had any right to. 

Duncs

Sound game from Mr Screen this time out. He didn’t let the fact that Earl didn’t recognise him because he was in full Epsom kit ruffle his feathers, and from the ninth minute on Dave was on his A-game. I think there may even have been a couple of occasions where he actually faced the Wayfarers’ goal, and if you can believe it he actually got really quite proximate to their D on two occasions. I know! Dominator Duncan has entered the building!

Earl

Involved in the early comedy sketch which gave Wayfarers their short corner and subsequent comedy goal, but Earl is like a late 70s Datsun Cherry: once you get him warmed up and going, he’s surprisingly effective, economical and reliable. Sporting a new goatee that was last on trend I think during the fifth series of Friends, Earl nevertheless put on a combative, uncompromising and actually quite creative show, like one of those more thoughtful films about Vietnam, where there’s all the usual guns and explosions but it sort of makes you stop and think as well. Topped off his display with a well-taken goal, adding the usual Earl-size dollop of value to the 4s. 

Boydy

Infinitely better this week, Boydy seems to have shed his rust, bouncing back with a big showing. He may look like a slightly sickly French poet, but Tom is quicker, stronger and a good deal more chippy than you might expect. Descended from generations of survivors on some rocky outcrop in Ireland, this lad doesn’t give in easily. Our primary ball winner and tackler in midfield, Boydy must have covered a good half marathon’s worth of ground in this game. He did get involved in some creative stuff around the D, although mainly left this to the true _flaneurs_ around him. But he definitely wins this week’s workout warrior award. 

Jack

A demonstrably positive and determined display, possibly as a response to me accidentally leaving him off the team sheet (sorry!), Jack looked hungry, and played with intent all game. He’s able to beat players as if they’re insignificant henchmen in one of those not very believable super hero films, slaloming past them nonchalantly like a Norwegian cross country skier on his way to an eighth gold medal. Jack makes hockey look similarly easy - we need to get him the ball even more, because when he gets it he makes things happen. If only he could be that proactive about pressing the ‘order’ button on the Epsom kit website, I’d struggle to find anything to fine him for at the end of season. 

Scotty

Awesome return for the Fringemeister himself. Admittedly he was playing against slightly weaker opposition than he’s used to, but Scotty simply drove through them like a monster truck taking on four alabaster gnomes on a suburban lawn. It was no contest. He just got the ball and tore through them. I mean, yeah, he occasionally lost it, but more often than not he got all the way through, maybe winning a corner, or at least putting pressure on the defender. Also part of the reason why Wayfarers simply couldn’t get out their half, Alex pressed hard off the ball (this is actually true!) and helped turn the screw as time began to run out. Fantastic to have him back. 

Ludders

Energetic display given that he’d come straight from work. Ludders missed the first few minutes but got himself well involved once he came on. A bit of extra practice getting those short corner strikes right into the apex of the goal would be time well spent, but at least they were all on target. I mean, shorties are something literally all of us need to work on, but as a sports coach with access to sports equipment at any time of day, Ludders should be setting the standard. Took part in some lovely link up play otherwise, and had chances to score, but his greatest contribution came putting pressure on the oppo defenders. They didn’t like it up ‘em. 

Gaz

Colourful contribution from the Man Morely. He baffled, bamboozled and bedazzled his way around the opposition D, with Wayfarers players tying themselves in knots trying to figure out where the ball was. And that wasn’t just down to his neon trainers, there was skill and trickery involved too. If only Gary could guarantee getting his short corner strikes on target I reckon we win this game, possibly even this league, because no keeper is stopping those if they’re going inside the bottom corner. 

Carlos

Perfect supporting role from _el comedor de cobayas_. He dropped off to collect passes out of defence and midfield, got us moving up as a unit, and made life generally very difficult for the Wayfarers defence. Unlucky not to score, although to be fair to the oppo they did close us down quickly in the D. Paired up nicely with the other forwards and didn’t do too much one handed dribbling, Carlos gave us an outlet going forward and the first line of defence pressuring their 16s. A job well done. Especially at his age. 

Charlie

Impressive game from Chazmeister General. I thought this was a mature, headstrong, all round performance. He can tackle so he holds up play, he can chase players so they don’t get past him, he can jab a stick in the right places, his positioning is good, his ball retention is phenomenal, and he can beat men with ease. And these are exactly the kinds of things you want from your midfielders. Defensively he’s sound - marking is fine, coverage is fine, tackling is great. Going forward he’s versatile - beating men, receiving balls up the line, threading through balls. And we’ve said a few times this year, there’s not many players in this division with better ball control. And he showed it all in this game - industriousness, intent, and inventiveness. So for that satisfyingly accomplished roast dinner of a performance, given that it included all the trimmings, a rather saucy Montalcino, and a heartily generous portion of Arctic roll, this week’s MoM goes to Charlie. Congratulations!

So we came away with a draw from a game where we had perhaps 80% of the possession, a boatload of chances you’d struggle to fit in an above-average-sized marina, and more short corners than you can count on one hand, even if you’re from rural Norfolk. Yet I don’t feel too downhearted. That equaliser, coming when it did, had the kind of excitement-relief-intensity feeling I’d previously only experienced in the cloakroom at the Ilford Palais, circa 1992. It really felt like a win, especially given what happened last week. So perhaps we can use that as a stimulus for the remainder of the season. Three more games to get us up to 34 points and perhaps a place in the top 5. Definitely worth a go, right?

Please get your available down asap for this coming Saturday’s match. We owe Old Kingstonians the sort of hot buttered crumpeting they haven’t had since Sir had to go and help officers with their Operation Yewtree enquiries, and I want to assemble the kind of squad that can administer it handily. Get yourselves on Teamo, please. I’ll bring the crumpets. 

Spike