Mens 5 vs Surbiton Mongooses

Hello gents,

It’s match report time after -yes- another victory/clean sheet combo!

Things I really enjoyed about this game: our forward play - we looked really dangerous at times, and created a couple of dozen chances; the result; our positivity - we kept supporting each other and we’re on the front for all game; some of your performances; our 16s; tea.

Things I didn’t enjoy as much: whoever decided to light a bonfire in the allotments next to the pitch; the weather; the spell in each half where we kept giving the ball away cheaply; our offensive short corners (they still need work); the umpires.

But on balance, to quote Ice Cube, it was a good day

We were missing our talismanic front man Lawrence “The Martian” Marsh as he had “things to do” in Amsterdam this weekend, but not to worry: we had Ludders and Scotty up front, and they have a pretty good scoring record. Surbiton had obviously drafted in a couple of irregulars to their 16-man squad, but not to worry: we had 14 of our own battle-tested warriors who knew how to do a job. The conditions weren’t ideal (no sport should be played that early) but not to worry: a bit of rain, mist and burning plant matter has little effect on the well-oiled Epsom machine.

As we lined up, this looked like it might be a game where patience and efficiency would be the order of the day - very different from the last time we played Suburbiton. It would require more guile, more grit, and more work ethic. It would be a game where margins and mistakes would be the difference between the sides. A clean sheet might be what separated us.

In the event it was a bit more comfortable than that. Surbiton were improved, but didn’t pose us any problems. Our strategy would be making sure we got that goal (ideally more) and then keeping the pressure on by working tremendously hard on and off the ball. The usual gameplan but with a tighter focus.

It pretty much worked. We created plenty of chances throughout the match: a mixture of direct runs into the D, cross-pitch passes, loads of good work down the right, and half a dozen short corners. We probably could or should have scored more than two, but the game was tight, they defended deep, and we needed to keep one eye on the breakaway. Two was all we needed.

This game needed a confident, workmanlike showing with a smattering of creativity, and a ruthless edge. We controlled the ball really well, the forward line was full of ideas, and we limited them to a very small number of incursions into our end of the pitch. Sometimes you just need to get the job done. And we did.

Spike: another comfortable day apart from the bonfire, which gave the whole game a kind of Somme-like appearance. Claimed a couple of crosses and faced a couple of short corners, but wasn’t required to do anything of real importance. At least I work hard writing these reports.

Brett: really good game from Brett “the Beast” Barkley again. He found plenty of space on the right, receiving balls round the back and giving us time, space and momentum to push forward from 16s. His tackling was solid, his calling helpful, and his marking flawless. Rumours are circulating that the Epsom 5s transfer committee are looking into a possible big money move for the lad.

Maj: solid game for the Jelly Baby himself. Cut out plenty of balls out wide, made himself available all game, and has started linking up with our left wingers really well. Passing was assured with only a couple of misfires this week, and he looked calmer on the ball when backed into our corner. Clearly just showing off for his missus and the live streaming, though. I’m surprised he wasn’t wearing a wig and/or a girdle.

Farmer: back in the side after recovering from injury, Dave was like a Volvo estate: reliable, sensible, and very difficult to get past, albeit with an enormous turning circle, and a vague, slightly nostalgic sense of the 1980s. Not much got past him, and he called well all game, which is really helpful when subs are coming and going every few minutes. There were a handful of slightly unnecessary turnovers of possession outside the D which better sides will punish us with, but they were inconsequential in this game.

Pringle: a truly monster game from Rhiniñho again this week. Played with passion and energy that really lifted us and allowed us to dominate both defence and midfield. There were more than a few occasions where he ventured upfield, like his namesakes migrating unstoppably across the Serengeti. He flattened anything in his way, and was SO unlucky not to notch with the short corner that went in. Came very close to his first MoM of the season.

Dave D: absolutely first class performance from Duncs. I know I say it every week, but it’s like he’s actually triplets. He’s everywhere. Dropping off for a short 16, turning, always protecting the ball, clipping short passes, laying off, or sending through balls down the channels, Dave was like a centrifuge in midfield, testing the very laws of physics himself. Plenty of MoM shouts, and you could see why.

Rich: if Dave was a centrifuge then Rich was a dynamo. An impossibly energetic display with just write down the Surbiton midfield. And while that’s the characteristic which catches the eye don’t forget just how many tackles and interceptions this lad makes per game. And just because he breaks up dozens of oppo possessions a game, don’t forget how much he creates for the players around him. And just because he makes chances for other players, don’t forget how much he runs at defences himself. A proper 10/10 midfield performance. And then he went and played another 70 minutes straight after! Swoons.

Tom N: very pleased to have Big Boy Nickels back in the side this week. If a midfielder’s job is to control the middle third of the pitch then show me someone who can do it better than this chap. He may have the appearance of a mild-mannered civil servant briefing ministers on the latest developments in fiscal policy, but don’t be fooled. The boy can tackle; he can run at defences; and he can link up play more effectively than a giant Velcro hockey player. Really excellent contribution.

Tom B: best game of the season from the boy Boyd. Really finding his feet out wide, and looked a real threat at times. We actually had a good deal of joy on that side, whereas Surbiton didn’t, primarily because Tom kept getting in their face. Lots of strong tackles in the right places at the right time, TB found space to provide a constant option out left. Had a great chance of scoring but just snatched at it. Next week!

Ludders: the game stats - and history - will record Matt as scoring two goals. These are the facts. But what they won’t record is all the work he did either side of those goals. For a guy who plays relatively infrequently his touch is great, his off-the-ball running is really, really fun to watch, and he causes defences all kinds of trouble. Plus he was literally the difference between a draw and a win with two well deserved goals. The only black mark being in the clubhouse when Spike said to him “ Matt. Man of the Match?” and instead of identifying which of his team mates he thought should be man of the match, he said “I dunno about that. I didn’t do much apart from score”.

Jack: uneven game from Jacqui. He worked tremendously hard getting into space when we were on the attack, he pressed defenders really well when we were trying to get the ball back, and he saw a lot of the ball, but when we were in possession his touch let him down on more than one occasion. Got in good positions in and around the D, but couldn’t get the the ball to stick. His first time shooting and passing are a real strength though.

Simon: did a more than decent job for us in midfield breaking up plenty of Surbiton play, and making himself available for short, possession-keeping passes in midfield. Got forward and supported the forwards very ably, but got back in position really quickly to mark up when we turned the ball over, which I absolutely love to see. Really appreciate him being the latest fab player in line from Old School to make himself available for us.

Matthew: nice cameo from a player we haven’t seen enough of this season. Won his fair share of battles especially out on the left, and got round the back of the Surbiton RB a few times and looked dangerous. Played well in space but tightened up a little bit under pressure. More game time will surely help.

Alex: yet another complete display from Alex “Wonderboy” Scott, who posed Surbiton problems all game. Really unlucky not to score, he must have had six or seven of his trademark mazy runs right through the heart of the oppo defence, into the D, and very nearly straight into the back of the net. Alex has unreal control of the ball, he’s got pace, he’s confident, he has good ideas, and he loves to take players on. If there’d been a crowd of 20,000 spectators there, this is the lad who’d get them on their feet, roaring him on. As it was, it was just me and Maj’s missus. Even so, yet another Man of the Match award goes to our very own Flying sort-of-Scotsman.

So this wasn’t one of those 9-0 days, but we were comfortable enough. And sometimes you need a little bit of a challenge to keep you on your toes. So well done all.

I do want to leave you with a couple of very satisfying statistics though. We are now the top scorers in the division, AND we have the joint highest goal difference. We’re now on a run of winning six games in a row, by an aggregate score of 28-3, and we have clean sheets in five of those six wins. Just let those stats sink in.

We are THE form side in the division, and as we get in to the last quarter of the season, we need to keep our foot on the pedal. We’ve got three very difficult games coming up soon and we’re going to need to be at our absolute best to come away with three wins. So the usual request: keep fit; get to training (we’ll hopefully do some short corner stuff in the next couple of sessions); turn down any invitations to rubbish parties or boring weddings until May; and get your availability down asap for the last six games.

We’ve got a little break next week for half term, and then we’re back at home to Teddington. No excuse not to smash a team literally named after a cuddly toy.

Lezzzzgo!

Spike