Mens 5 vs Teddington M6

Welcome everyone to another round up of 5s hockey, and I’m pleased to say it’s another tick in the W column, another three points on the board, and another giant stride towards promotion.

A slightly more challenging game, this one. It didn’t all go our way all the time. Teddington had a couple of decent young players who were able to hit us on the break and keep us on our toes, but each time they looked like threatening to get back into the game, our quality and experience saw us respond, and we kept them at arm’s length for the vast majority of the game.

It’s sometimes good to go through a little bit of adversity as a team, though: it can help you to see what you’re made of, to see how you react, and to see what measures you need to take to get back on track.

We started really brightly and got in front after nine minutes, as per the patented Spike Gameplan TM. This followed some really nice work by Tom B and Jack on the flanks, and some really competitive stuff in the middle from Tom N and Rich. Teddies had a couple of decent breaks down the middle, culminating in us conceding our first goal in five weeks. But Lawrence got the key breakthrough (and his second of four goals) just before the break - an absolutely crucial time to score.

Three goals in the first six minutes of the second half then killed the game, and was a terrific response to the really useful and positive conversations we had at half time. After a good half of hockey we just needed to relax a little bit more, get the ball to stick just a little bit stickier, and tire the Teddies out. Play our own game, make the oppo really work for any sniff of the ball, and convert chances. That’s how we win.

And that’s exactly what we did, Alex and James providing the real penetration, drawing in defenders and creating spaces for Lawrence and Ludders to exploit. We gradually wore them down, and although they did score a couple more breakaway goals, we had pulled sufficiently far away to be able to relax. Indeed, every time they scored we would immediately counter and reply with another goal, which took the wind right out of their sails. The comeback was never on, and we dominated possession meaningfully for massive stretches of the second half.

I can’t say it was a vintage performance, but we scored seven and increased our GD by four, so I can’t complain too much. However, those annoying baskets from Merton and Richmond both won comfortably too, so the long term mission doesn’t change. Win win win.

Spike: much busier this week with a couple of important saves and a few timely kicks. Can’t have any complaints about the goals really: accurate, well-hit strikes which you just sort of have to doff your cap to. I did nearly kill that left half, though, which is always pleasing.

Pringle: this bloke might be the best long passer in this league. I’ve got to say, some of those flat-stick cross-pitch balls were so fit you can sort of start to understand what Ruth sees in him. Rob bossed the back line only getting caught when we turned over possession cheaply in the middle. I particularly enjoyed their whinging forward complaining to the umpires that his air shot “wasn’t dangerous” until Pringle poked his head round the guy’s shoulder and said “erm, I’m standing behind you”. Which to be fair the bloke took graciously given that it’s quite hard to miss Rob. Rightly got an MoM shout.

Farmer: usual bullish performance from our resident agricultural expert. Made a series of quality tackles on the edge of our D which after an hour or so really began to undermine the Teddington morale. Needs to watch out when vying for 50/50s on the halfway line: those youngsters will pick your pocket like a scrote on Oxford Street, and may even end up outpacing you! Dave did his best with some shocking short corners and impressively managed to corral one for us to score from.

Maj: interesting game for the jelly baby boy. Tackled well and offered good width on switches, but seemed to lose confidence up against the young forwards. When he came back on he shored up the defence nicely, and even treated us to an admittedly quite unusual impersonation of an upturned tortoise. Time and space seemed to stand still as he rotated himself 180° like a clock running low on batteries, until he managed to manoeuvre a pass with all the pace of a geriatric who’d had a fall, desperately trying to press the emergency assistance button on the wall with the end of his zimmer frame. Utterly unforgettable scenes.

Nickels: big boy hockey on Saturday from Stretch Nickels. Trying to get past Tom is like trying to find a shortcut round the Great Wall of China. It literally isn’t possible. But just in case you think all the boy has got in his locker is a pair of arms borrowed from a giant squid, well you might need to be reminded of his excellent passing, spatial awareness, and ability to protect the ball. We looked more vulnerable when he switched out of midfield into the back four (that’s Maj’s fault) but his overall performance rightly received a couple of MoM nods.

Rich: calling card performance from the man they call the Duracell Midfielder. As usual we all lost count of how many interceptions and tackles he made on and around their 23, and unlike my combi boiler he managed to keep the pressure up for 70 minutes. Of course there’s always room for improvement, and in Rich’s case I’d say it’s having more confidence to drive into the D and get off a shot - and not one of those ones where he destroys the ball into its most infinitesimally small atomic particles - but just directing it past the goalie, or drawing him out and slipping it to the CF. Next game!

Jack: a quality player who had a quality game. What more can I say? He drifts in from the left, hits the back post hard when we’re on the break, his passes are silkier than a Persian cat’s privates, and he makes defenders work flipping hard down the flank. Soo unlucky not to get on the scoresheet, but for those of you who like to spend money betting on assists, Jack Allen is your accumulator go-to.

Sunderland: thought James really grew into the game, and by the second half he was our main creative outlet. A tiring Teddies team just couldn’t handle his mazy runs, and he forced them on the backfoot just when they thought they might have a sliver of hope. That’s the kind of response I’m talking about: stepping up a gear and keeping your foot on the oppo throat. MoM nominations were richly deserved, and Sunders is proving to be a proper key player for us in this promotion push.

Boydy: a typically busy game from the knitwear king. Tom must be a contender for having most touches of the ball during the course of this game, as he was seemingly involved in everything. Unpredictable and snappy, going up against Boydy is like visiting a great aunt who has a particularly boisterous Yorkshire terrier: annoying, relentless and full of energy, he makes you just want to pack up and go home. In fact I’m pretty sure the Teddington full backs went through this exact mental process after about 50 minutes.

Lawrence: ridiculously brilliant performance from Lozza, more polished than an obsessive compulsive policeman’s helmet. Not only did the lad score four goals (giving him a frankly bonkers total of 24 for the season!) but he worked his absolute socks off as well. Be it running off the ball, tracking back, driving into the D, or getting in the end of through balls, Marshy spread himself wider than the hole in Maj’s gussetless tracksuit trousers.

Lovis: whole-hearted cameo from the man they call the Torquay Terminator. Scored a goal of such individual brilliance it’s hard to do it justice with words. Hockey players who don’t play up front think it’s easy to just put away goals willy-nilly. Well let me tell you, scoring from two and a half inches out isn’t as straightforward as you think. I’ve watched the Ryder Cup and I’ve seen very well-paid players miss plenty of shots from that distance. I mean, admittedly they aren’t aiming at a target 12 feet wide, but the point still stands. Lovis tucked it away, and unfortunately for Jack that’s the way the history books will record it. Minus marks for Mark for not knowing the rules of short corners, but a solid display nonetheless.

Ludders: we’re so much better when Matt’s in the team it makes me sad that he often has other things to do, like working. Ludders got a couple of really crucial breakthrough goals to break Teddington hearts, and I always felt confident when he was on the pitch that we’d nick a goal or two, because he has good feet, confidence, and an eye for goal. In fact we’re still in the mind-bending situation that Ludders has never played a game for us and not scored. He’s like a cuddly mascot and a dead-eyed assassin all in one. Joint second in the MoM ratings.

Scotty: I’d love to read Scotty’s school reports because I’m pretty sure they would all say (much like mine) “gifted child who could go on to great things if he applied himself consistently”. And I only bring this up because I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone turn up late and then wander very casually across the pitch just as the umpire is about to blow to start the game. But as casual as he may be, Scotty was the headmaster of assists in this game. Playing out wide he caused the defence all kinds of problems, and although our forwards were absolutely on form, they can’t score if they don’t get top quality though balls. And to be honest you’d need to spend three nights at Claridge’s to get service this good. Joint second in the MoM-o-meter.

Bish: Bishop Bashop Boshop is how I would describe Matt’s game on Saturday. He did the bishness not by doing anything spectacularly, but by being completely dependable and reliable. When you’re defending breakaways but also trying to build momentum and keep possession, what you need in your team is a human shunting engine. Up and down, collecting the ball, delivering it, winning it back, protecting it, and generally treating it like a finger you’ve accidentally chopped off in a freak blender accident, which you need to get to hospital quickly and cleanly. He didn’t stop running all game, and that’s why Bish is this week’s winner of man of the Mattch.

So well done all again for getting it done, pushing it across the line, and keeping the collective Richmond and Merton sphincters as puckered as you can get.

The only negative I have is that our short corners were more embarrassing, upsetting and wasteful than the time my mate left £30,000 in a brown envelope in Burger King. We really need someone to come and practice injecting so that we can get consistent delivery. Once we have that we can start working on variations. We had 7 or 8 corners v Teddington and scored (just) from one of them. Statistics like that are going to be the difference between beating OCs and Merton and coming away empty handed. So let’s please try and get better.

Olympian game next week v NPL 1s which will require a suitably Herculean effort from everybody. We have a bye the week after so no excuses for not putting the effort in. Do try and make training (you will improve and you will get fitter), do sign up, and as I’ve mentioned before make sure you’re available for the final four games. Tell your significant others that you can’t make the city break to Grimsby, you’re busy the weekend of cousin Chardonnay’s engagement party, and you absolutely cannot take time off to go shopping for new pants. Just turn them inside out FFS.

See you all next week,

Spike